Thursday, January 8, 2009

Again? Are you KIDDING me????

My husband (or soon to be ex? or dead?) had made me a promise: I would for sure get to see this new condo in Marina Del Rey that he wants to buy before finalizing the purchase.

Because of scheduling conflicts, not enough time to plan and the fact that the bloody thing is in Marina Del Effing Rey, I haven't yet seen it. "No problem," I heard a some days ago, "the financing didn't go through".

Today he told me there was another way to do the financing. I didn't like the way this whole deal was starting to sound, so when he came by to get the kids I told him so, hoping that my new status as his really good friend and mother of his children had finally gained me some sort of a voice in matters of importance. I told him, "I don't think you should get it".

"Too late", he said, "it's in escrow". "Oh? Oh, no! You lost it to someone else!" "No," said he, "I'm getting it, it's too late, it's in escrow".

To say that I felt my cranium slowly cracking from the back, opening up the way for some raging, red fire to shoot out of it is putting it mildly. How did he do this to me again?????

As anyone can plainly see, I am not much involved, consulted or considered in any major decisions when it comes to... anything. I wouldn't mind if there had been wild success attached to previous endeavors, but this hasn't been the case, and against any sort of advice or warning I heeded, things always seemed to move forward -- with me or right over the top of me, trampling my decision making confidence with the force of a herd of elephants. What's worse, my kids will be staying in a place I have no idea about, or where it is. But I'm sure it's a beaut.

The anger and hurt I suddenly felt, raged and took over me. I spewed all kinds of things that I usually keep locked away into the depths of that "frustration room" in my brain, and quickly made him revisit history. Then, I simply wanted to go around and pick up every single valuable piece of anything he's ever acquired (houses included) and shove them all up his arse. And walk away.

As I fight more and more to bring meaning into my life, I think more and more he's going the other way. We live in Sherman Oaks because this is where he decided was a good place/home for us to live in. Now he moved to the beachside. Wouldn't anyone in their right mind want to live closer to his children?

I raged, I cried, I got a fever. I then decided to catch the last +2 minutes left of the Florida/Oklahoma game. Florida won. I thought of my Florida friends all celebrating, with their beers, bowls of chips, loved ones, all jumping up and down, hugging, hi-five-ing... and how cool those moments are. And how simple. And how envious I felt.

As I now sit on my bed, in this room with an amazing view of the valley, that wonderful beach-front condo is total symbol for bullshit. I want simplicity. I would so love to sit in a small, cozy house somewhere, my legs tucked under me, eating chips and smiling broadly, as I watch those I love lose their mind with excitement over a ball game.

Unfortunately, the one I chose to love as a husband for so long, holds exciting moments deep within his own mind, in the shape of decision-making purchases, investments or grand deals.

Most of these hardly ever include me.

They never did.

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