Jog Schmog

This is another "heavy" entry...  not very lighthearted and not very humorous.  But one I deem at least worthy of a try...

I went for what I call a "jog" this morning, trying to get rid of some of the shakes (funny, but it is now called "running" I noticed... am I the only one saying "jog"?). 

I stopped at someone's house to pull/steal this little ripe fruit growing on their tree to try it (great excuse to stop) and realized that out here we can grow all kinds of exotic fruit trees (this was a "wild pear"??).  Also, the roses grow to the size of a baby's head...  There are flowers of every kind, vines covering the hills and all types of natural opulence. 

Opulence... We have more, we want more.  I do feel fortunate to have the opportunity to admire all of this at any given moment, yet I think about how much we pay to live here to get all this. 

Something I read recently:  It was about the money spent in the U.S. in these times...  We are overly critical of the rich and celebrities for buying things like doggie dishes made of gold, diamonds dripping on things like underwear, vehicles that could climb a tree or go to combat... But, at the same time we ourselves are always pushing the envelope of our own financial limitations. 

It's all the same.  Whether you make a million a year or are barely struggling by, we always hope to spend the extra on things of status, desire and immediate satisfaction... 

Here is an idea that I already put to the test:  try to "walk in someone else's shoes" who is at a much lower income level than yourself.  Preferably those who can hardly afford to buy candy, or a meal at a restaurant, even a Subway sub...  Going out into the world for one to three, or even six months pretending to be the poorest of the poor. 

I am convinced this will give you all kinds of new insight.

Trying it did amazing things for me.  It made me realize that at times I had been someone I didn't like, someone I would normally criticize...  Buying things because they were "only 10 bucks" or "I'll just get it, if I don't like it I'll ditch it".  Indeed, what an ugly thing to say.

BUT the most amazing thing I gained was FREEDOM.  Freedom, from feeling conflicted as to what was the best new purchase, freedom from those "BUY NOW" sale advertisements,  freedom marketing gurus who no longer had this power over me, and the  freedom from having to read about the latest styles that I had to have to keep up, I now "couldn't afford them anyway".

In closing, I love living in California, and I am grateful that I'm here, where everyday seems happier than most.  And all in all, I'd rather live here and spend more than somewhere more affordable that I find depressing or limiting.  Yes, it may seem shallow of me to not find the beauty everywhere, but that's a little demon I will try to fight for the rest of my life.

Noah in 2005 - from the Web

  In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and overpopulated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."   He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."  

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard -- but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"  

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed.  

"I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.

My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.

We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.   Then the Department of Transportation dended a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.  

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls -- but no go!  

When Istarted gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group.   They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.   They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.  

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.  

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.   Migration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.  

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.  

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.   So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."  

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.   Noah looked up in wonder and asked,

"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?".  

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Fish Heads in My Head

I'm coming back around now...  and very happy to report that as of tomorrow I'm cutting off one of my meds completely, and starting to taper off another.  I'm also going to stop a third, but not sure yet, as I probably shouldn't do everything at once. 

So.  The old Jukebox in my head today (and yesterday) was playing this:  "Fish heads, fish heads, rolly polly fish heads; Fish heads, fish heads, eat'em up, YUM!!"  (HBO, circa 1980). 

I think that kids and geeks that put all kinds of crazy cartoons out there on the 'Net that are so en vogue don't have a thing on "Fish Heads".  That was one of the trippiest things I'd ever seen...  I miss The Gong Show, too...!  Oh, oh, oh, oh, what about that mini movie on HBO called "Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind".  Or "Not Necessarily the News"?  (Remember "Spap Oops").

I saw an x-ray technician at the vet's office wearing Vans shoes...  My high-school boyfriend wore them...    I didn't think I would be saying "we used to wear those" until I got to be at least 50, but 39??????? 

By the way, I'll be 40 in November.  Anyday now, I'll start the countdown...

Karaoke for the Deaf

This link will take you to a video that is one of the funniest things I've seen of late...  just another peek into my mind...  It reminds me of when comedy was still good, funny and innovative...

http://www.koreus.com/files/200502/hollowmen.html

My daughter, the valiant

I can’t stand to be indoors and I can barely live outside today.  My head is hung low and I feel the tension from it on my neck muscles.  But looking up is an impossibility.  The sky is waiting for me to look at it, to appreciate its grandness, its beauty, like its main reason for being is just for me to admire.  Yet my head won’t turn up, and I avoid it like I would avoid looking at someone I committed a sin against, yet only it and I know what that sin is…

There is so much guilt in my absence of mind and spirit.  There is guilt in not feeling alive, in feeling numb, miserable and alone.  Alone by choice because no one deserves what I can offer, which is much of nothing.  I remember as if it had happened long ago that there was a day with music in my step, yet it was only yesterday.  Now it isn’t, it’s all wrong, dark, like silent screaming in my head, the disorientation of a migraine, without the physical pain.

Last night I dreamt of evil, demons residing in an attic yet I went there anyway.  Even though they didn’t appear, the air was thick with fear and I remember feeling I had crossed my boundaries into their territory.  But I endured, and my courage for stepping through that attic exempted me from any attacks.  I was able to leave the place, but worried about those who lived in that house.

As I woke myself up by the sounds of my daughter whining, I thought thatmaybe she was sharing with me some of that fear.  Soon, I felt her walking into our room, but she just stood by my side, looking at me, holding her dog as if it were a stuffed toy.  She just stared at me.  I asked her what was wrong and without speaking she leaned down and kissed me twice.  When she straightened up she just stood there looking at me again.  I felt somewhat scared.  I asked her if she needed anything, but she said no, just standing there, looking at me.  Then I asked her to just get in bed with me so she did.  I couldn?t stop asking her if she was o.k. but she just went to sleep.

I gathered that she had been sleepwalking, as this morning she had no recollection of anything that happened hours before, but it was somewhat eerie nevertheless?  I shouldn?t have doubted for a second that she came to me to save me from any more evil dreams, but it isn?t easy to shake off fear when in the face of possible evil.  Even if just in a dream.

I don?t know if that triggered my bad day.  I know that when evil strikes I become nothing, I shrink, I fall into a dark endless pit.  Maybe I shouldn?t have searched Google the night before for prophetic stories about the battle between Good and Evil.   Maybe doing that is what some people would consider ?opening a door? to the negative, that I should leave it be.  Maybe I think too much.  And exactly that is what tells me that I will drive people away from me, that I will alienate myself by sharing these thoughts, this lunacy that keeps me from thinking that it?s ever going to stop and that I will ever be able to look at the sky at any given moment, without a thought or hesitation.

Fortunately for me, I have a child that was not afraid to get her doggie, come down from her bunk bed and rescue me from my dreams.  I just wish that that was all my mind needed to know.

I need to hear you...

If anyone who reads this feels compelled to, I would appreciate any thoughts on the Pope...  of course only positive comments please!

Very sad today,

Gabriela

Freedom of speech, fear of speech

The safety of culture...

I am waiting to hear news about the Pope (as are most Catholics).  On CNN I get glimpses of other countries around the world that are in vigil as well...  I watch these people and I wish I was with them.  I'm sure here in California there are many places I can probably go to feel spiritually connected.  But I also have a tentative attitude towards really telling anyone what I feel.

If I were in Argentina, pretty much everyone would be vigil.  Everyone would either be praying, or planning on attending Mass or something.  And it would be rare for it to be any differently.  The mood would be lightly similar to how the U.S. came together after 9/11 -- that feeling of unspoken comraderie, of being emotionally connected to everyone.

Unfortunately (because I love the U.S. so much), I can't totally say that I feel at home at the moment.  I am worried about offending anyone, or alienating friends or whatever.  And I so badly wish I could just step outside my door and talk to a neighbor about what the Pope means to us, how he touched our lives by words or actions, of how we remember when he first became Pope, or of how my mom always had some kind of crush on him... 

It does sadden me to be missing that sense of "we're all in this".  It saddens me to see that some people may not care at all.  But then again, I was pissed off at the world when my dad died and no one in the streets of Buenos Aires seemed to notice...