Love

"I stare at my right arm. It bares your name. What a beautiful piece of art. It's my favorite tattoo. Tomorrow is Christmas' Eve. Merry Christmas, Love. That is your heavenly name, Love. That's what they called you in Heaven. You don't remember, you can't. I know because of my dreams. You were the most astonishingly beautiful angel that would dwell in the Garden.

When the dispute occurred, you stayed true to God. Satan was cast out along with his jinns. Humans were undecided. I was human and I remember you. I had seen you laying by the river east of Eden. The light you gave was spectacular. I sinned that day.

I saw you in all your splendor enter the water. I watched you bathe. I continued to watch as you ascended from the water, your light enough to blind humans, but I couldn't look away. You don't remember? It was forbidden for Angels and flesh to become one, but I had made my sinful mind up. I had to have you.

That day I saw your light. Love's light shone on my flesh with all its glory, your light. I know you can't remember. It's ok. I approached you that day, but your light burned too bright. You tried to warn me, but still I approached. I fell into a sleep and when I awoke you had taken me into your light. We danced that day and I realized why God called you Love. Then, after you had sat me back by the water, you were gone.

I ran through the Garden searching for you. Then the ground shook with God's wrath against Satan. The dispute began.

Every human was put in a deep sleep. We were reborn here on Earth and given the test to seek God or Satan. Human souls were with a jinn, one of Satan's Angels that chose him the day of the dispute. That's why I battle with Good and Evil. My whole life I have been seeking your light... Love's light.

That's your real name, you don't remember? I have found you here on Earth. Here, I am able to be one with you. Please take me into your light again. Keep me warm, Love.

Dedicated to the Angel called Love.
She is the light."

PMS - A great thing

Today I was feeling incredibly emotional. I now know that the feelings were aided by the fact that in a week I will... you know. I used to PMS a day or two before the event, but now it seems to come a week prior, which seems so strange. I personally think it's because my body already knows I ovulated and a pregnancy didn't take place, so it's sad.

Regardless, PMS time for me lately seems to give me new perspective on a lot of things. For example, today I felt the sadness I felt so many times before over my relationship with the man I was married to (now for) 14 years. Although we've been separated for a year, the farther we are the better the view gets from the outside. The things I once internalized and depressed me are coming out, and I'm able to see them more subjectively. What insight! one may think, but all it did today was make me cry.

I cried over the sadness I used to feel. Over the loneliness I felt when he traveled and how it only seemed to augment when he returned and didn't have time for me. Or us. That, compiled with the numerous times he was unfaithful, made me feel that the whole thing was unfair and no matter how much I tried, it was never going to be what I wanted it to be.

So I sat at Mass, next to Norma, envisioning how so many times I thought that by now I would be sitting with my husband and my children, all grateful to God for our many blessings. Instead, he will probably never attend church again, and my kids will not get that family unity in faith feeling I was hoping they would grow to know.

Sigh... So what. During the sermon, whatever the priest said made me realize that the effort has to be mine. I am the captain of my children's ship until they venture out on their own, and if there is anything that they do not get now can only be my responsibility. Damn right.

All I ask for now is the strength and guidance to give my children the hope I found in my beliefs, my faith and in Christ. And his Mother Mary. And the forgiveness for the many times I continue to mess that up.

I hope no one reads this...

Unbelievable

I just realized that it's been 5 years since I started this blog. And granted, I've not written it diligently for the entire five years, but it has been fun going back in time and reading the massive amount of crap I've managed to pull out of my... head.

Life is so different now. I suddenly grew up. I feel like "yes I am solidly standing on my own ship", but unfortunately I don't know where it's heading, or how to sail it.

to be continued...