Start by admitting...

... from cradle to tomb, it isn't such long a stay...

Why is it that the older one gets the faster time goes by???? UGH!!!

I know I've written about this before, but I am really in disbelief about the speed in which time moves. Facebook has been a horrible reminder of this, as it is a little like a time warp. I knew these people "yesterday" and today some of them are grandparents... WTF?? And their photos... oh, their photos! Whatever happened to us?

But, hey... I still like myself better today at 44. I look older, yes, but if being young again means I would have that 20-year-old brain again, no THANK YOU. Not even my 30-year-old brain would do. I am very content with the 44 years I've accumulated and I'm not ashamed to admit I still have a lot more to learn, and to grow, and to live...

I'm almost to the exact middle of my forties, and my mom was right. So far, they are the best years of my life... absolutely, hands down.

Shoot, I have to go to the Office Depot for Bala. Seemingly, he needs erasable pens NOW.

Dear ME, this is not possible...

How can it be?

For the past 2 years, my kids have been staying with their dad for 2 days at a time (sometimes less) every 2 days whenever he is in town. At first, having to let them go literally felt like someone was ripping my heart to shreds. The pain I felt was unbearable, and it took some time for me to not cry every time I said "bye" to them.

Now, two years later, things have changed somewhat. Or have they really? There are times when crying unconsolably does take over my being and I'm rendered useless until I see them again. Sometimes, the mere knowledge that they will be leaving at some point that day sends me into a depression. Then, there are the times when I know they will be leaving, but I can think of 1,000,000 things I will do the moment they are gone. Things that interest me, things that are responsibilities, even things that are downright fun. Then... they leave.

No sooner is the car driving away, that a cloud of sadness starts to follow me, and every time it's the same damn thing: I walk into my house, sit on the couch and do mind-numbing things like play video games, or get lost in Facebook so I just don't think about anything. I try. God knows I try to occupy my mind, but it's their presence -- or lack of that zaps my energy. It's an underlying feeling that I just cannot shake. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I don't know how I will ever stop this nonsense. I see other moms who are more "normal" and who can find things to do, to occupy themselves in this free time. Some of them are even grateful to have the time to themselves, and even I sometimes think it would be wonderful to just be on my own... but when the time comes I just can't function.

I haven't re-read this post. I'm just venting. Now I'll publish it and hope to somehow cheer up.

GOD I MISS THEM.