Today I was feeling incredibly emotional. I now know that the feelings were aided by the fact that in a week I will... you know. I used to PMS a day or two before the event, but now it seems to come a week prior, which seems so strange. I personally think it's because my body already knows I ovulated and a pregnancy didn't take place, so it's sad.
Regardless, PMS time for me lately seems to give me new perspective on a lot of things. For example, today I felt the sadness I felt so many times before over my relationship with the man I was married to (now for) 14 years. Although we've been separated for a year, the farther we are the better the view gets from the outside. The things I once internalized and depressed me are coming out, and I'm able to see them more subjectively. What insight! one may think, but all it did today was make me cry.
I cried over the sadness I used to feel. Over the loneliness I felt when he traveled and how it only seemed to augment when he returned and didn't have time for me. Or us. That, compiled with the numerous times he was unfaithful, made me feel that the whole thing was unfair and no matter how much I tried, it was never going to be what I wanted it to be.
So I sat at Mass, next to Norma, envisioning how so many times I thought that by now I would be sitting with my husband and my children, all grateful to God for our many blessings. Instead, he will probably never attend church again, and my kids will not get that family unity in faith feeling I was hoping they would grow to know.
Sigh... So what. During the sermon, whatever the priest said made me realize that the effort has to be mine. I am the captain of my children's ship until they venture out on their own, and if there is anything that they do not get now can only be my responsibility. Damn right.
All I ask for now is the strength and guidance to give my children the hope I found in my beliefs, my faith and in Christ. And his Mother Mary. And the forgiveness for the many times I continue to mess that up.
I hope no one reads this...
2 comments:
I read everything you write! ;) Love u! //Lena
*YOU* are the most awesome...!
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