I can’t stand to be indoors and I can barely live outside today. My head is hung low and I feel the tension from it on my neck muscles. But looking up is an impossibility. The sky is waiting for me to look at it, to appreciate its grandness, its beauty, like its main reason for being is just for me to admire. Yet my head won’t turn up, and I avoid it like I would avoid looking at someone I committed a sin against, yet only it and I know what that sin is…
There is so much guilt in my absence of mind and spirit. There is guilt in not feeling alive, in feeling numb, miserable and alone. Alone by choice because no one deserves what I can offer, which is much of nothing. I remember as if it had happened long ago that there was a day with music in my step, yet it was only yesterday. Now it isn’t, it’s all wrong, dark, like silent screaming in my head, the disorientation of a migraine, without the physical pain.
Last night I dreamt of evil, demons residing in an attic yet I went there anyway. Even though they didn’t appear, the air was thick with fear and I remember feeling I had crossed my boundaries into their territory. But I endured, and my courage for stepping through that attic exempted me from any attacks. I was able to leave the place, but worried about those who lived in that house.
As I woke myself up by the sounds of my daughter whining, I thought thatmaybe she was sharing with me some of that fear. Soon, I felt her walking into our room, but she just stood by my side, looking at me, holding her dog as if it were a stuffed toy. She just stared at me. I asked her what was wrong and without speaking she leaned down and kissed me twice. When she straightened up she just stood there looking at me again. I felt somewhat scared. I asked her if she needed anything, but she said no, just standing there, looking at me. Then I asked her to just get in bed with me so she did. I couldn?t stop asking her if she was o.k. but she just went to sleep.
I gathered that she had been sleepwalking, as this morning she had no recollection of anything that happened hours before, but it was somewhat eerie nevertheless? I shouldn?t have doubted for a second that she came to me to save me from any more evil dreams, but it isn?t easy to shake off fear when in the face of possible evil. Even if just in a dream.
I don?t know if that triggered my bad day. I know that when evil strikes I become nothing, I shrink, I fall into a dark endless pit. Maybe I shouldn?t have searched Google the night before for prophetic stories about the battle between Good and Evil. Maybe doing that is what some people would consider ?opening a door? to the negative, that I should leave it be. Maybe I think too much. And exactly that is what tells me that I will drive people away from me, that I will alienate myself by sharing these thoughts, this lunacy that keeps me from thinking that it?s ever going to stop and that I will ever be able to look at the sky at any given moment, without a thought or hesitation.
Fortunately for me, I have a child that was not afraid to get her doggie, come down from her bunk bed and rescue me from my dreams. I just wish that that was all my mind needed to know.
2 comments:
Gabby,
So glad to see you are in such "good spirits" and so very "happy" in your new environment. Wish I could hug you and tell you all will be ok now. I know how truly overcome you are by the death of the Pope, but take heart.... there will always be another Pope, and so forth into the next millenium. There is over 100 Cardinals and other Archbishops waiting to take up the "great struggle" of good over evil. God just had more work for him to do, and his 84 year old body just couldn't stand the strain. So, in HIS own style, God simply took up the most resiliant part of the Pope's body and will, in good time, use the essence of that wonderful person to do more good in the wold HE createed.
We all love you, more than you know.
The Bobster
Dearest Bobster,
You never cease to amaze me. Your comment surprised me as well as delighted me tremendously. I remember a time when you counter-argued something about my beliefs in God, and I had assumed you did't really believe... Part of the reason we moved is because of my dark moments, which seemed to have let up a lot more than when I was in Indy... something about the weather. Your "...loved, more than you'll ever know" really touched a spot in my heart, which has won you your own little residence in said heart of mine. You are pretty amazing, to say the least. I'm starting to understand more and more just how lucky Cindy is...
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