NOW

crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts.  crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.

That is how my days are now.  I'm living minute by minute doing only what feels good.  And what the kids need, barely. 

I never knew that dementia could be like this.  After having been attacked by my step-father I now know how horrible a diagnosis it can be.  Dementia and Alzheimer's have always been horrible words but never did I know it could be like this.  I'm in shock, I know it and I'm trying to process the information reaching my brain. 

The best part came two nights ago, when I spoke to my doctor and he explained that my dad (step) most likely had no idea what he was doing.  That the man he once was wasn't there.  That really helped sort the ugly thoughts from the good ones, slowly discarding any of the ones that make you shudder...

The worst part is what the future will bring.  For him, for my mom, for our family that never was.  I feel so sorry to have brought glimpses of sadness to my friends' days, I would much prefer to make them laugh. 

I've tried to keep this journal real and as funny or as ridiculously human as possible.  However, there are times when it's just not possible to do.  Reality bites you and won't let go...