Did I really need to feel this much love??

Inspiration just hit, or rather as luck would have it I ran into something that gave me the perfect jump-start to something I've been overwhelmed with lately:  My kids.

**NOTE:  Do not read this if you are having difficulty dealing with the issue of having/ losing/not-being-able-to-have kids**

 

 

 

 

 

I read a quote in People magazine (http://people.aol.com/people/ataol/galleries/0,19884,927114_10,00.html) from Brooke Shields speaking about her daughter:  "I look at her and I'm not sure I bargained to love that much. Did I really need to feel this much love?"

Yep.  When my first one was born I experienced the usual crying fit that is supposed to be a direct product of hormones gone wild.  The unusual thing about this very common incident is the kind of song I chose to be the accompanying music to my drama:  Dean Martin's "Ain't That A Kick In The Head".  Really.

I swear I played that song over and over on my headphones and as I held my very first baby I cried inconsolably.  So much so that I had to call my mom to come to the rescue...  I must have sounded so distraught that my mom somehow made it to the hospital in about 10 minutes flat from about 20 to 30 minutes away. 

The thoughts that were the root of all desperation for me were "What did I do this for??  I will now worry about this little peanut in my arms for the rest of my life!!!" but they ran much deeper than they sound.  And very much the way people see their entire life flashing before their eyes when they stare death in the face, my whole future did the same.  I felt it:  Every second of my existence would be filled with constant worry, concern, thought, love and so much more for someone who couldn't even speak yet.  Never mind speak, she couldn't even focus on me!

Then her infant-life began.  Our relationship was mostly based on her need of me and although I loved her tremendously I was aware of that.  She didn't, couldn't quite "love" me yet:  I was just her life's sustenance.

The toddler years are fairly difficult.  She still needed me but she now had an opinion on almost everything and we were both fighting to establish our boundaries... and she became "The Entertainer".

Now, at age 6, I feel her and her brother truly love me.  I can say this because at just the right times they will say things like "You are my mommy" or "because I love you so much" or "I love you more than the whole world!"

At times I just can't take the feelings, it's all too much of everything wonderful and I feel like exploding...  but who can be the recipient, where do I aim my artillery??  Who wants to hear about all this stuff????  WHERE DO I GO WITH ALL THIS LOVE??????  I'm trying not to ruin my children by being so needy.  I don't want to put that sort of responsibility on their shoulders...  And so it goes:  I sit here, in my office, hoping that writing about it will help me offload.  Hoping that some of you that bother to read this will understand the pain that lives in the heart of parents... the ones who want to strive at being the best ones, yet fail miserably on a daily basis.

And as I thank God for my children I ask him to forgive the times I did not understand His love for us...