For the past 2 years, my kids have been staying with their dad for 2 days at a time (sometimes less) every 2 days whenever he is in town. At first, having to let them go literally felt like someone was ripping my heart to shreds. The pain I felt was unbearable, and it took some time for me to not cry every time I said "bye" to them.
Now, two years later, things have changed somewhat. Or have they really? There are times when crying unconsolably does take over my being and I'm rendered useless until I see them again. Sometimes, the mere knowledge that they will be leaving at some point that day sends me into a depression. Then, there are the times when I know they will be leaving, but I can think of 1,000,000 things I will do the moment they are gone. Things that interest me, things that are responsibilities, even things that are downright fun. Then... they leave.
No sooner is the car driving away, that a cloud of sadness starts to follow me, and every time it's the same damn thing: I walk into my house, sit on the couch and do mind-numbing things like play video games, or get lost in Facebook so I just don't think about anything. I try. God knows I try to occupy my mind, but it's their presence -- or lack of that zaps my energy. It's an underlying feeling that I just cannot shake. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I don't know how I will ever stop this nonsense. I see other moms who are more "normal" and who can find things to do, to occupy themselves in this free time. Some of them are even grateful to have the time to themselves, and even I sometimes think it would be wonderful to just be on my own... but when the time comes I just can't function.
I haven't re-read this post. I'm just venting. Now I'll publish it and hope to somehow cheer up.
GOD I MISS THEM.
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