The good dream that was bad

I was doing quite well yesterday.  I was doing quite well this morning, too...  

And before I woke up I was having a wonderful dream...

The baby started coming out of me, and it was actually four separate babies.  They were each at a different stage of growth, with the last one being the biggest.  They were all in bubbles, and I was to be extremely careful the bubbles didn't tear because I had to get them to the Hospital.  This was impossible to do, so I kept scooping up the embryos, trying to save as much as I could. 

The last one, the one I understood to be the one I'm actually carrying, was still in his bubble and he was alive...  I looked at him and he opened his eyes, which were crystal blue like my husband's, and he slowly turned his eyes to me.  I remember thinking "maybe I can put him back in and the pregnancy will continue".  Then I smiled at him and he smiled back.  We were bonding.  I could even put my ear to the "bubble" and if I made a loud noise he would answer in that baby squealy voice.  Someone else was with me, I think my husband, and I kept trying to turn the baby within the bubble so he could see his amazing eyes...  We were able to play with him the smiling game, where we would smile, nod our heads to him and he would smile/laugh.

I immediately felt so close to him, this was my baby.  An hour or so after I woke up I longed to go back to sleep so I could see him again.  I missed him terribly and wanted to give him all the love I had been saving for the birth.  It was then I wanted to cry and realized I am not as strong as I thought.   This miscarriage will be a lot harder than my first.  I think it's because now that I've had children, I fully realize their worth, immeasurable and eternal.  I feel bonded to the little thing inside me, and a horrible longing to hold  the ultimate baby that won't be...  At my breaking point the phone rang.  It was one of my best friends in the world, Namratha.  It's still amazing to me how those certain special people in your life know exactly when to call you...  

I'm just going to have to speak to my husband.  I'm going to have to plea my case that I really *do* want another baby... that in my heart of hearts, when I don't let outside matters clutter my brain, having children with him is all I ever really wanted.  

Gabriela