Woo-hoo

I'm happy. The kids are back at home and I couldn't be any happier.

I guess I don't realize it, but when they are with me, I listen to every word they say, I engage in what they do and basically never ignore them (besides, they wouldn't let me). So when they aren't around the silence is deafening, and my brain is in constant search for them.

I know I'm giving them all I got. In retrospect, I gave my marriage all I had, and although at times it saddens me to think about it, today I found a video I made for my husband that summarized so much of what I used to feel. And that made me happy. Right there in front of me, was proof of what I felt, a detailed description of what the main problem has been for many years... and I felt happy.

I felt happy to know that after all this time, I haven't wavered from who I am. I was true to him and myself, and I continue to do so. I told him years ago what the consequences would be if things continued the way they were, and it happened... nothing more, nothing less. I now claim to only want to be around my children, and that's what I do. I say I'm not interested in dating, and I don't go out. In this exact moment, I'm happily proud of that, because after crying for most of the day, I feel strong. Kinda kick-ass. Like the Lara Croft of emotionally needy and co-dependent women. But Lara Croft nevertheless.