THIS WAS WRITTEN ON FEB. 27TH
Today we left Colorado to go back to L.A.
I was pissed off. This time because although our plan had been to pack everything up yesterday, get up this morning, have a last day of skiing w/the kids, and then jumping in the van to leave in our under-ski-clothes (very comfy) for the 14 hour drive.
But no. Just as we get up (I knew it) my husband decided we should probably NOT ski and just leave (as usual). Since I got my first pair of great ski boots only yesterday, I was soooo looking forward to using them for longer than just a couple of runs which were ruined by my low blood pressure (another day's story).
I was all kinds of pissed off. Stomped around, huffed, puffed, grunted, stomped some more and reduced all communication to one syllable sentences. Pissed.
We checked out, returned the rentals, dropped off some things, bought something to cover up the bags, and then decided to quickly get a sandwich while waiting to meet our friend Marty to say thank you and goodbye.
We sat down and Marty showed up. Among other things, he brought up the fact that it was a beautiful day of skiing (of course) so my cranium just cracked in half and fire shot up to the sky (reference to Bill Cosby?). Of course all were subjected to my sad story which, according to me, borderlined on some sort of spousal mental/emotional abuse and which Marty had to agree with me on. Obviously.
By the grace of Love and God and all wonderful things in the world, the conversation changed to a different topic, fortunately for my husband. One which at some point prompted my husband to respond to Marty's "you're a lucky guy to have her" by saying something like "she's definitely the one thing in my life I've been lucky with". It took sooo much for me not to jump on his lap and kiss him until he couldn't breathe, or to cry, or both.
Those moments are funny, the ones that make you fall in love all over again. I see why I'm with him, why we're married and why I couldn't live without him. He is not what I had previously envisioned for a husband (I wanted a brunette, or at least a tall one), but then again, I've never been right.
Andso right it is. My family as it stands now is the most perfect thing I couldn't even have imagined, because it's real. There is so much love, so much richness in the rapport we have when we're together. It's what's in between when we're standing face to face that is impenetrable, direct and infinite.
Tonight I feel so incredibly fortunate. If I never say this again, allow me for once to say that I have found the source and the taste of happiness. It is small and hard to find because it's so obvious, like looking for your glasses when they're on top of your head. Like craving to touch something soft, when our own skin is right there. It's finding warmth within your own breath. Loving what I have, having what I love, what I always wanted. Love.
Ultimately, that's what we all want, right?
G
Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteEllen