Yet to come

My mom called me immediately when Hussein had been found.  She told me later on that she noticed how as soon as she told me the news I immediately called out for my husband and told him all about it...  She said she had to laugh because I don't even see what's right in front of me, I guess...  I hear things like that and I think that it's probably right, I need him more than I think.  But on the most part I just want out.  I fantasize about taking off a la "Sleep While I Drive" (by Melissa Etheridge), if I could just find the right person...

I started with those fantasies way before the affair.  I really wanted more, but much less in many ways.  It's so hard to explain, but I wanted so much more by doing less...  The same way that something sensual is so much better that sexual, a book is much better that the movie, an acoustic session in a small venue so much better than a concert in a huge arena...

My husband is very ambivalent as to who he is.  When I ask him about it, sure, he'd love to just take off and live off coconuts on some island or go on a hiatus for a year and paint.  But when it comes down to it, he never stops.  I think he's addicted to the stress as much as he is to coffee.  As a matter of fact, he's so wound up that coffee doesn't affect him most times, although, like an alcoholic, I can tell when he's had his fix.

My song of the moment is "The Best Is Yet To Come" by Luba (off the 9 1/2 weeks soundtrack).  It has to be one of the best songs for women starting over.

And whether I stay married or not...  I am planning on starting over.