TiVo in my brain

I finally figured out why I love my TiVo so much.  It works just like my brain:  I can re-call any event in my mind at anytime (unless it's been erased).  I can fast-forward, slow-motion even freeze-frame certain moments, like the moments my kids say "I love you, mommy".  But the ones my brain seems to prefer are those that make your heart drop to the ground as you watch someone slowly bleed love out of it.  For example: "Oh, it's just a girl I've been talking to" is a phrase that still repeats in my brain.  I don't know why it hurts so much more than other crap I've heard.  I guess it was like hearing a sentence being read aloud by a judge:  It was confirmation that my marriage had died.  It was the lack of reasonable doubt.

So I *had* to have TiVo in my new home.  TiVo is great because I can disconnect the TiVo in my brain and connect the one on the television.  Also, I can develop crushes on new people every week.  Almost like dating, Jeff Corwin is the new love in my life, because George Clooney hasn't been around much.  But I did go on a date with Matthew Perry last night, albeit in a dream I had... 

I tried to get Satellite, but I was told I couldn't.  I ordered cable, and was told that with Tivo and a splitter I could watch and record two channels simultaneously.  COOL!  Of course it didn't work.  Everytime I scheduled for something to be taped, a different channel would come up and record whatever TiVo was possessed to record.  I was reminded for the umpteenth time in my life that no matter how hard I try, at times thoughts take over my brain that I don't really want to think about or re-live, even if in fast-forward mode.

But as humans we keep going back to moments that are painful, probably more than the good moments.  Or we even imagine situations that we were neither there for nor told about.  Like what it was like when he was with her.  What they said to each other.  If her Calgary Mountain Peaks' job really looked good or just like baggies full of hard liquid.  Could you see ripples?  Didn't they look grotesque??  Or were they soft, almost natural...  ...better than mine...  Shit where is the little back arrow that takes me to the delete button...!

Later.