My own little corner

I should probably change the name of my blog, it seems old and slightly stale now...

Anyhoo, this week I found a TON of people I had been looking for for years. I kept a "lost" list of people on my phonebook, just so maybe someday I could find them. Maybe I subconsciously knew that God would inspire someone to invent a venue such as Facebook, but whatever it was it felt as if I had gone on a trip on a time machine and reconnected. Except now everyone looks older.

It has been over 2 years since Stefan and I separated. It still seems strange to type his name and the rest of that sentence, as I never thought that would happen... but things happen and the world keeps turning, the sun comes up and goes down and the moon makes its appearances... everything continues on.

The more distance grows between what it was and what it is, makes me think of what my marriage had become, and it just didn't seem to be what was the ideal marriage, and I mean for me in particular, not just anybody else.

I'm sure many women could have seen it through. Unfortunately, I'm not made that way. I describe it as "starving and having a beautiful cake in front of you, but not being able to eat it". I used to have romantic dreams about George Clooney (as some people know well) when I was married, probably because I was in desperate need of some sort of attention. The funny thing is that now that I'm completely alone I no longer have those dreams, and I'm sure one would think they would be more prevalent now... not so. It is so very difficult to long for the person you love, the one you are with, that for some reason or another you just don't get enough of. His time and attention became so desirable, that even now when he talks to me and we have an actual conversation, I almost become nervous, sort of anxious... and I think I trained myself that way. In my head I keep wondering what I should say so as not to lose the connection, or if I'm saying something he would consider boring, unimportant...

This is not a dynamic I want to exist between us, but it's also not one I know how to undo. It's definitely not something I want my children to get used to, but they are also in that situation as their time spent with their dad is a bit of a commodity.

Ugh. I hate my writings anymore. I wish I had better stuff (funnier, lighter) to write about, but I'm saving all the light, funny stuff for when I'm with my kids, and what goes on here is just me venting.

My own little corner of the world.

My girls, the chicks

Chelsea and Peeps. What amazing girls... I can't believe more people don't have chickens for pets.

We got them as babies, and although we didn't get to imprint them right out of the egg, in time they learned to "love" me. Nowadays, they walk up to me when they see me coming, and when I lean over to pet them, they do this weird thing with their wings, where they sort of spread out their backs and get down lower to the ground... hard to explain, but they stay there until I'm done petting them. I can also pick them up without a problem or any hesitation. So much so, that I pick one up, then get the other one with just one hand...

So of course, being me and not even being able to fight my impulses, I took both girls in my arms and walked across the street to visit my neighbors. I think I mostly did it to see their faces once they opened their door. They hadn't been home in a long time (months) so when the husband opened the door I got my priceless mental photo. Ahh... to live in a somewhat swanky neighborhood and walk around with 2 chickens in your arms.

So... my girls are awesome. They love me, they are lovable, they fertilize my garden, they don't take up a lot of space and best of all... they give us the best eggs in the world I've ever tasted.

And NO. For those of you who don't know, we are NOT eating baby chickens. These are only eggs, not fertilized by a rooster. Just EGGS. No babies.

Start by admitting...

... from cradle to tomb, it isn't such long a stay...

Why is it that the older one gets the faster time goes by???? UGH!!!

I know I've written about this before, but I am really in disbelief about the speed in which time moves. Facebook has been a horrible reminder of this, as it is a little like a time warp. I knew these people "yesterday" and today some of them are grandparents... WTF?? And their photos... oh, their photos! Whatever happened to us?

But, hey... I still like myself better today at 44. I look older, yes, but if being young again means I would have that 20-year-old brain again, no THANK YOU. Not even my 30-year-old brain would do. I am very content with the 44 years I've accumulated and I'm not ashamed to admit I still have a lot more to learn, and to grow, and to live...

I'm almost to the exact middle of my forties, and my mom was right. So far, they are the best years of my life... absolutely, hands down.

Shoot, I have to go to the Office Depot for Bala. Seemingly, he needs erasable pens NOW.

Dear ME, this is not possible...

How can it be?

For the past 2 years, my kids have been staying with their dad for 2 days at a time (sometimes less) every 2 days whenever he is in town. At first, having to let them go literally felt like someone was ripping my heart to shreds. The pain I felt was unbearable, and it took some time for me to not cry every time I said "bye" to them.

Now, two years later, things have changed somewhat. Or have they really? There are times when crying unconsolably does take over my being and I'm rendered useless until I see them again. Sometimes, the mere knowledge that they will be leaving at some point that day sends me into a depression. Then, there are the times when I know they will be leaving, but I can think of 1,000,000 things I will do the moment they are gone. Things that interest me, things that are responsibilities, even things that are downright fun. Then... they leave.

No sooner is the car driving away, that a cloud of sadness starts to follow me, and every time it's the same damn thing: I walk into my house, sit on the couch and do mind-numbing things like play video games, or get lost in Facebook so I just don't think about anything. I try. God knows I try to occupy my mind, but it's their presence -- or lack of that zaps my energy. It's an underlying feeling that I just cannot shake. And there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I don't know how I will ever stop this nonsense. I see other moms who are more "normal" and who can find things to do, to occupy themselves in this free time. Some of them are even grateful to have the time to themselves, and even I sometimes think it would be wonderful to just be on my own... but when the time comes I just can't function.

I haven't re-read this post. I'm just venting. Now I'll publish it and hope to somehow cheer up.

GOD I MISS THEM.

Damn...

I don't know why. I mean, I *do* know she killed herself because she had cancer, but what I don't know is why it happened. Know what I mean?

I got in touch w/her brother on Facebook, and I had hoped that at some point, when I traveled back to Florida, I could meet up with her. She was so fun, so sweet... I knew in High School she had a crush on me although we hadn't spoken about her sexual preference... of course she was a lesbian, but the kindest one I've ever met.

I, on the other hand, had a crush on her brother. Not only was he crazy-cute, but he was a bad boy. Fortunately for me I was too goofy to go near him or he would have chewed me up and spat me out in 5 minutes. Fortunately for me, I had Suzie to bring me down to the reality of her "bad-ass" brother and how unattainable he would be for little ol' me... Fortunately for me, I had Suzie as a friend. DAMNIT. I always enjoyed our friendship, even when I distanced myself a bit so as not to confuse her. Even then, I never thought she would end like this.

I don't know how she did it. All I know is that she took care of her things and left everything (supposedly) in order. Then she took her own life.

And my chance to ever see her again.

Damnit.

I think I'm too young to be this tired. I don't mean physically, just feel like I've already lived a fairly long life, got knocked down a few times and I'm just wondering which round I'm on...

Some days are just not good... I wonder if women also get "pms-y" when they ovulate, because I'm... I just feel like crying. I do. But it's almost like I don't even care enough to, like all it would take would be just the right thought and it would all come rushing out. It's there, but like the sneeze that won't get out, it only causes discomfort. In this case, it only causes pain.

Indeed... not all my entries are cheerful, but with the good sometimes there is bad. Tomorrow will be another day. I just hope no one will yell at me...

Martha Stewart Jr.

I have been sick for as long as I remember. This stupid flu has hit both my kids and myself and has convinced me without any doubt that next year we are ALL getting flu shots.

When their father isn't traveling, our kids spend 2 days with me and 2 days with him. The last 2 days I had with them we were all sick, and spent them mostly in bed. Nausea has been a part of this flu (I believe caused by the flu medicine), which prompted wonderful John to buy some pudding to help settle stomachs all around.

The other night my son and I were lying in bed and I suggested he go and get himself a pudding. As he walked away, I asked him to make sure he asked his sister if she would like one too, since she was in the TV room, and this is an extension of the kitchen.

He comes back with 2 containers of pudding, one for me and one for himself. He also remembered to bring spoons, my little thoughtful guy. I passed on my pudding because it was chocolate, not something I should eat while nauseous (the kids took the vanilla), but I asked my son if he also remembered to ask his sister if she would like one, he said she did and gave her one himself. My sweet little server...

After the pudding was finished, and we hung out for a bit, I heard the stomping feet of my daughter barreling down the hallway on a mission. Soon, she was at my doorway, where she came to a very sudden stop. Facing her brother straight on, she demanded "Bala, YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME A SPOON!"

Ok, I swear I didn't laugh even though it took every ounce of strength I had not to. I did, however, engage into a Q & A with this child.

-"Clara, did you get yourself a spoon?"
-"NO"
-"Wouldn't it have made more sense for you to walk the eight steps it would have taken to get your own spoon instead of walking all the way to the other end of the house to announce you didn't get a spoon?"
-"No... "
- "Did you already eat the pudding?"
- "Yes"
- "How? Without a spoon?"
-"Yes, I squeezed it."

I told her she should have used a spoon. I explained to her that her brother was not her servant, but he'd been nice enough to get her a pudding to begin with and she should be thankful to him and not be so demanding of him. But still... I don't know. There's something so incredibly funny about this stompy 10-year-old marching all the way to the opposite end of the house to announce the major discrepancy in the way she was served dessert instead of just fixing it herself. From the day she was born I've said that she is destined to either be incredibly wealthy or a bag lady, because she just won't conform.

Needless to say, she didn't see anything wrong with her logic. Someone had made a mistake and by God she was going to let people know.

I know she sounds like a nightmare, but I must let it be known that she is just as hard on herself (if not more) when she makes mistakes. She does say "sorry" quite often, and her heart is always in the right place.

My thought on this particular instance? She would have never served anyone food without bringing utensils.

And a napkin.

And asked the person what they wanted to drink.