Ironic

It has been impossible for me to sit down and write.  While talking about just that with our neighbor, I asked him if he'd be going to Mass on Saturday.

Right there and then it hit me:

No time for Christ, too busy with Christmas.

Hmmm...

G

How clever...!!

AOL News - Man Loses Bet by Staying Alive

The day after, and the day after that too...

Ok, the rest of the it...  (LOTS OF RAMBLING)

First of all I have tell a short story:  While waiting for my first miscarriage to take place (a few years ago), I received a call from a pastor who prayed with me.  He prayed for a miracle that the pregnancy would continue, but if it was not to be, then that the passing of the baby would be a peaceful moment for me.  Amazingly enough, it was.  It was almost beautiful how it all went down (no pun intended). 

Fast forward to recently.  We got the bad news, and my husband went out of town for 2 weeks.  I remember sort of think-praying that I would like for the miscarriage to wait until my husband returned home.  Then I forgot I had asked for this and had a miserable time waiting, until I had a flashback to my think-prayer and realized what was happening.  My husband got home on Monday morning.  That night I started having pain and contractions and the miscarriage followed when I got up at 3:30 am or so.  So my wish was granted. 

Was it peaceful?  Heck NO.  I should have asked for that too.  As a matter of fact the whole thing was horrible, I almost fainted and was throwing up and all I kept thinking was "my husband came back to this??".  Naked on the bathroom floor with pots, pans and towels all around me, how incredibly unattractive was this picture to welcome him home?  I'm amazed he's still here...

Went to the Dr.'s when we got up a few hours later.  Dr. said to rest that day and try to take some meds he gave me the next day to expell the rest of what was/is still inside me. 

But of course in my life nothing is ever easy or as it seems, and seemingly I now had a bad stomach virus I caught from our son who slept with me the night I miscarried (he had been sleeping with me because he was sick).  YES, he was asking me for a pot to puke in as things were coming out of me.  Someday I will find that very funny, as it was, indeed, good physical comedy.

I spent the day in bed and in pain, lower and upper stomach.  At 1:30am I felt oh-so-much-better, which meant the next day was time for the meds the Dr. had given me.  The sun came up, I took the pill and... "Hello contractions, again!!!"  This went on pretty much all day.  I stayed in bed.  Took the other pill and I think it all finally came out.  Maybe.  I think.  But not sure.

I was so incredibly miserable I wrote about it here and of course something went wrong and it didn't post.

The day after that (Thursday) I was thrilled to be going to my friend's house to celebrate Thanksgiving (a holiday that seems kinda strange to me) with our family.  All was great until just after dinner.  I had been drinking, I ate a bit, and my stomach started hurting like a mother...     THEN I thought I was going to faint.  Had to lie on the couch (yes at my friend's house, with her whole family looking on).  Making the story shorter: I ended up on her daughter's bathroom floor throwing up.

Eventually I re-joined the party.  But here's the kicker:  because today I was in pain again...  and again I had a flashback (to Colorado, almost a year ago) I know what's wrong:  I am starting to develop an ulcer.

I realllly can't wait for this year to end.  I've been sick over most of it and I'm tired of watching life pass me by.  But first the miscarriage has to end.  Sorry for the mental image but if I don't ever see another drop of blood I'll be more than happy.  It was all too much, too sudden and I thought it would never stop.  I couldn't get it to stop.  And like the Energizer bunny it's still going...  Men have no idea.

SO...  I'm still slightly depressed, in pain and all that.  But I'm also incredibly thankful... 

I think you all know why.

Gabriela

All I can say...

Things are funny in the virtual world... 

But I find so much solace in reading the comments left on my journal... emails... and we've never even met in person.

I cannot find the right words, except to say that it's all pure and from the heart:  THANK YOU.  And that I hope you guys too someday experience the amount of support and loving care from strangers that I've received...  I'm truly humbled.

I don't think it's appropriate for me to write about anything else here.  I'm so touched, so thankful...  I just want to leave it at that.

Wishing only the best for you huge-hearted, incredibly caring, loving people. 

You gave me a lot to be thankful for.

Gabriela

 

It's done

I had the miscarriage last night. I'm too tired, too sick, too pained to write more...

G

Brief things come to those who wait

We had it all set up.  Nora was coming in at 8am.  A friend's nanny was coming to pick the kids and Nora up at 9:30a to go to the park so my husband and I could be alone.

But this is my life and nothing works out the way I plan it.

I couldn't go to sleep due to a bad headache and nightly fever until about 3:30am.  Not long after I had finally fallen asleep my son complains of a stomach ache and throws up.  Ugh. A couple of hours later he does it again...

About 8:45 Nora calls to tell me traffic is too heavy and she'll be late, nevertheless, she does get here sometime by 9.  At 9:30 or so my husband finally arrives from his trip to the other side of the world.  We all rejoice.  Around 9:45 the nanny shows up and Clara decides to go with her after a small debate (one down, one to go!!).  Nanny tells me that she will probably have her back sometime after 4:30pm.  Oh, the glory.  It seems like after a long wait, I'll finally get some.

The plan now was to wait for our son to go to sleep again (after throwing up a 3rd time) and try running away for a little while to the local motel.

Lunchtime came around and among the many sounds around the house I hear the door.  It's Clara and she's back.  She didn't want to stay away very long... she wanted to be with us... It's now around 1pm.

After waiting forever while exchanging "those looks" with my husband, my daughter tells me that she is going to go in the hot tub.  Alleluia.  This means that she will be occupied for a good while, and our son has, believe it or not, finally gone to sleep.

I let Clara know that mommy and daddy have to go out, to get a thermometer, get some dog food and spend some time alone.  She was not very happy about this, but agreed that it was a good idea and she'd just go in the hot tub. 

We snuck out.  Because time is short and we're both quite desperate, we decide to go to the van, put the back seat down in full-size bed mode and like two teenagers, get it on.  Clara decides to go find us, because she changed her mind, is not going to splash around and notices the van is still parked outside.  And running.  Fortunately for us, we don't have that adventurous streak so the doors were locked and the blinds closed (it's a conversion van, my Disco van).  She goes back in the house, gets really pissed off at Nora (faking ignorance of language she offers no help to Clara, which only pisses her off even more), comes back ouside and knocks on the door. 

I think the uncertainty of what was going on ultimately drove her away...  Maybe a bit of fear, too.  Regardless, it didn't take us very long to consumate our marriage for the umpteenth time and go back in the house.  Disheveled and trembling ever so slightly, I walk up to her and try to convince her that daddy and I had gone for a walk and then stopped to visit the neighbor.  "But now", I continue, "I think you should go with daddy to the store".  She looked at me like I had totally and finally lost my mind in its entirety, but I just had to lie down, I was entirely too shakey.  It was similar to one of those times when you're either too drunk or too sleepy or too high to be persuasive and you can't sound convincing to save your life, and the more I tried to make sense in front of my daughter, the worse it got...  Finally I just said "Look, I already spent alone time with daddy, now it's your turn, right?"  That was good enough.  She knew sharing and taking turns, so it finally made sense.

That was the most I ever wanted something that lasted so short.  But now I hope I can go to sleep without being plagued by nutty sex dreams and wake up like a normal human being instead of a rabid cat in heat.

By the way, no fever today at all, so I think we're good.  The events from earlier must have been instrumental in getting things going as things got going and the miscarriage seems to finally have started...  Never in a million years did I think I would say this, but...

 yay...

Gabriela

 

Update

Last night was nutty.

First, I got a call from a friend of mine who said I should really keep an eye on this fever in case it went up.  Then she called to tell me her mother-in-law was a nurse and she said I should go to the Dr./Hospital immediately.  So I started making plans...  The kids can go spend the night with a neighbor, maybe another neighbor, call Nora to come help, or her sister Matty, called my husband to tell him I was going, all of it.

Then I told my friend I was going to call our Dr. to see what he thought and he pretty much begged me not to go to the ER.  He said if the fever got to 101.4 then I should call him immediately...  He would try to meet me to give me a D&C so I wouldn't have to depend on just anyone to take care of such a sensitive matter...

I felt quite badly for a while, but eventually the fever broke.  I slept as I hadn't in a few days (didn't wake up once during the night), and woke up perfectly fine...  Today I had no fever at all until the afternoon, and now it's just like last night.

So I'm waiting to see if it goes to 101.4.  Hopefully not until sometime after tomorrow morning, as the love of my life arrives at 7:30am.  Plans are already in place for the kids to dissappear from about 9:30 on.

Because between the "possible" miscarriage, then the "definite" miscarriage and what will be the "actual" miscarriage, it's just entirely too long since I've been with my husband, I'm going nuts.  Alltogether it will end up being 3 to 4 months...

Yes, the Dr. did say that having intercourse could give me an infection (if I already don't have one), but I figured I could do it, and then get a D&C.  It seems crazy/irresponsible, I know, but I'm desperately in love and the nightly dreams are killing me...!

I always thought being both a Scorpio and a Latina was a double whammy...  now, I'm at my peak??? 

Gabriela