You know you need a shower when...

Yesterday was the day to feed our new pets (#s 5 and 6), frogs Oggie and Lily (if my daughter has finally decided that's its name) and watched with sick fascination as they waited for the dumber-than-doornails crickets to get closer and closer to them so they could be devoured.

One of the crickets, I kid you not, literally walked up to the bigger frog and tapped it on its mouth with its front leg (???). Convinced the frog would get it, I was baffled when said frog just walked away and towards a little fake vine to climb back to the top.

Slightly annoyed by the lack of cruelty that by the laws of our natural food chain should have taken place, I picked up the frog and set it back down in front of a larger group of crickets. Lily, once again, headed for the vine.

Now I know that most of us "mommies" sometimes lack enough time in the day to take care of personal things like, I don't know... personal hygiene. That was the kind of day I'd had so far. Although I might have used the time to get my ass in the shower and leave the poor frog be, the stubborn me (an oxymoron?) was going to see a frog eat at least one cricket.

So I picked up Lily once more, and placed it down with the crickets. Thinking that there was a possibility that this frog could actually be more stubborn than I was, I watched head back for the vine. It then climbed up to a level spot and it stopped. There, as if to let me know what the problem was, it started cleaning itself where I had touched it.

I left to have a shower. Stupid frog.

Thank you...

For making me write, for making me laugh, for those little things that make the days go by more pleasantly.

I need a haircut. The last haircut I had was good, but now that it's past my waist, I should visit the Scissor Man.

Unfortunately, and opposite of the way it used to be, I no longer have a Favorite Scissor Man, I don't even know of a Most Valuable Scissor Man and I live in L.A. I've definitely become too much of a mom. And yes, they have that "Hot Moms' Club" thing somewhere online, which might be a way to re-connect with those "in the know", but the name alone turned me off it. I even think they had kids' t-shirts that said "My mom is hotter than yours"... are you kidding me??

Back to hair and other such things... I once went to this hairdresser on Melrose on the advice of a friend. She raved about him and how he cut her hair with a razor and it was awesome...

I went in to see him and came out looking like Joan Jett and Chrissie Hynde's love child. Which is a more of a bad thing one would think, because if you're old enough to have attended the concerts, then you're too old to wear the look.

I promptly went to another salon for a quick fix. I got my hair straightened stick-straight. It didn't work perfectly, but given that I had my 20th class reunion I had to do something. Ugh. I now see the pics from the reunion and remember how much I hated that haircut and everything I had to do to maintain it looking semi-acceptable. Hence, my hair is now completely natural and has that "Adam and Eve in the Garden" length to it...

In a way it's good. It helps me cover up when I'm naked and giving a speech in front of all those people...**


** in a dream, of course!

Forced Writer

I am now under certain obligations to write shit on this journal, whether I like it or not. And in my never-ending quest to please others, I now find myself at my computer, my cup still warm from the coffee I barely finished.

Sigh... Another day.

Ok, so there's a plan today. The plan is: a cookout with Gretchen in OC, coming home to wait for Debra to pickup Tom and Genevieve from LAX, giving Tom and Debra their Christmas gifts, spending makeup cuddle-time with Genevieve, putting everyone to bed, going on Facebook. Oh, and somewhere before meeting Tom, Debra and Genevieve, wrapping their Christmas gifts. Yes, I'm still wrapping Christmas gifts.

Maybe that's why I like the whole "waiting for the Magi" thing, because this way, no matter how much I procrastinate, there are always the Magi and the time they take getting here. Kind of like how you have a whole year after a wedding to give the newlyweds a gift, but I don't know the logic behind that one...

Anywhoo... don't know what else to write. I feel that hot spotlight shining on me, and the whole being-naked-in-front-of-everyone thing... I could write to my little group on "unknowns" before, but now, for an audience of one? That's hard...

I'm going to start a new entry.

Morning phone

Mmmmmmm.... I'm glad I was still asleep and had no time to think. I'm happy I didn't see the caller ID, or I might have not answered.

It's funny how two people can assume all the wrong things, and in a single instant throw away something meaningful over something meaningless. But thanks to those above, and to the fact that my brain takes about an hour or two to be completely awake, I answered the call and was better for it. Because all in all, I'm still human, and getting me in the morning is very much like getting me when I'm drunk, or when my brain is at its most basic, cradling the most basic of human emotions... and that desperate need to feel connected.

Amazingly and fortunately, I didn't fuck up. Or I don't think I did, keeping my head above water and still managing to get some points across... and as I sit here and write I can't for the life of me remember what those points were... Only one that mattered: Please don't disappear. I won't disappear either.

And for now, that's all that matters.

Love

"I stare at my right arm. It bares your name. What a beautiful piece of art. It's my favorite tattoo. Tomorrow is Christmas' Eve. Merry Christmas, Love. That is your heavenly name, Love. That's what they called you in Heaven. You don't remember, you can't. I know because of my dreams. You were the most astonishingly beautiful angel that would dwell in the Garden.

When the dispute occurred, you stayed true to God. Satan was cast out along with his jinns. Humans were undecided. I was human and I remember you. I had seen you laying by the river east of Eden. The light you gave was spectacular. I sinned that day.

I saw you in all your splendor enter the water. I watched you bathe. I continued to watch as you ascended from the water, your light enough to blind humans, but I couldn't look away. You don't remember? It was forbidden for Angels and flesh to become one, but I had made my sinful mind up. I had to have you.

That day I saw your light. Love's light shone on my flesh with all its glory, your light. I know you can't remember. It's ok. I approached you that day, but your light burned too bright. You tried to warn me, but still I approached. I fell into a sleep and when I awoke you had taken me into your light. We danced that day and I realized why God called you Love. Then, after you had sat me back by the water, you were gone.

I ran through the Garden searching for you. Then the ground shook with God's wrath against Satan. The dispute began.

Every human was put in a deep sleep. We were reborn here on Earth and given the test to seek God or Satan. Human souls were with a jinn, one of Satan's Angels that chose him the day of the dispute. That's why I battle with Good and Evil. My whole life I have been seeking your light... Love's light.

That's your real name, you don't remember? I have found you here on Earth. Here, I am able to be one with you. Please take me into your light again. Keep me warm, Love.

Dedicated to the Angel called Love.
She is the light."

PMS - A great thing

Today I was feeling incredibly emotional. I now know that the feelings were aided by the fact that in a week I will... you know. I used to PMS a day or two before the event, but now it seems to come a week prior, which seems so strange. I personally think it's because my body already knows I ovulated and a pregnancy didn't take place, so it's sad.

Regardless, PMS time for me lately seems to give me new perspective on a lot of things. For example, today I felt the sadness I felt so many times before over my relationship with the man I was married to (now for) 14 years. Although we've been separated for a year, the farther we are the better the view gets from the outside. The things I once internalized and depressed me are coming out, and I'm able to see them more subjectively. What insight! one may think, but all it did today was make me cry.

I cried over the sadness I used to feel. Over the loneliness I felt when he traveled and how it only seemed to augment when he returned and didn't have time for me. Or us. That, compiled with the numerous times he was unfaithful, made me feel that the whole thing was unfair and no matter how much I tried, it was never going to be what I wanted it to be.

So I sat at Mass, next to Norma, envisioning how so many times I thought that by now I would be sitting with my husband and my children, all grateful to God for our many blessings. Instead, he will probably never attend church again, and my kids will not get that family unity in faith feeling I was hoping they would grow to know.

Sigh... So what. During the sermon, whatever the priest said made me realize that the effort has to be mine. I am the captain of my children's ship until they venture out on their own, and if there is anything that they do not get now can only be my responsibility. Damn right.

All I ask for now is the strength and guidance to give my children the hope I found in my beliefs, my faith and in Christ. And his Mother Mary. And the forgiveness for the many times I continue to mess that up.

I hope no one reads this...

Unbelievable

I just realized that it's been 5 years since I started this blog. And granted, I've not written it diligently for the entire five years, but it has been fun going back in time and reading the massive amount of crap I've managed to pull out of my... head.

Life is so different now. I suddenly grew up. I feel like "yes I am solidly standing on my own ship", but unfortunately I don't know where it's heading, or how to sail it.

to be continued...