Pure Love

Our 8-year-old son has a girlfriend.  Last year she was the "new girl" in his class and within weeks she was "his girl".

Once I figured out which one she was, I noticed that she always played with the boys, yet she didn't strike me as a tomboy even a rough girl, at that.  Eventually I saw that she was extremely shy (at least with me) and not very talkative.  But she was so bloody cute, I agreed with our son that he had very good taste.

Fortunately for me, I made friends with the school's janitor and his wife, and last year Miguel told me that Estela had pointed out to him how Bala and some girl were walking into the Hall with their arms around each other, but right before walking through the door, they put their arms down and held hands all the way in.  I never did get to witness any of this first hand.  Everytime I tried to talk to her, she would shy away.  And if I was there, she seemed to even turn away from him, avoid him.  So of course, I thought that maybe he was more into the whole "boyfriend/girfriend" thing than she was and a sad feeling for my sweet boy came over me.

This summer he didn't see her at all.  Although I told him we'd try to get a playdate it just didn't happen.  I called her mom to try to schedule something at some point and she said that her daughter had been asking to play with our son as well.  She missed him?  How sweet! 

First day of school.  Most parents chose to attend the welcoming meeting right after school started, leaving most of us parents just hanging out for the 15 minutes in between the meeting and our children's arrival in their new classrooms.  As always, all the kids lined up outside, single file, by grade order.  That's when I noticed the sweetest two walking towards the lineup.  She was ever-so-slightly walking behind him and three different times she raised her arm as if to put it around him but put it back down.  She was so tentative, so hesitant, yet one could sense her happiness.  From that moment on, I decided to watch more closely.  They started talking.  He turned back around to face her and they really, truly became engaged in conversation.  One would say something, the other would respond, giggle, reply back and so on.  This went on for a while, and it was so incredibly sweet, so innocent, so loving.

I realized at that moment how precious and rare their friendship is.  These two really appreciate, enjoy, and genuinely like one another.  I even found myself hoping for them to become one of those couples who end up getting married even if they did know each other as small children.  I know it's an odd thing for a parent to hope for, but the answer to my reasoning came to me later that night.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 13.  I knew from the moment I saw him that he was the one.  Outside of a couple of dances where we danced all night long and only with each other, nothing happened.  We didn't even talk, we didn't need to (that's my fantasy).  We always stayed in touch (even now), and there was the one time long ago when we went on a date and kissed, but nothing more.  He is now (like me) married with kids and I see how we would have been perfect together, had destiny not brought me to the U.S., been immersed into a new culture, adopted a new city, and changed in enough ways so as to have prevented me from ever going back to Argentina, where I knew he would always stay.

So I hope and pray that our children (yours, mine, everyone's) are able to keep the basics untouched.  The emotions that kids feel are so basic, they are undoubtedly true.  At some point, however, someone will try convince them of what they themselves think is best, and will inevitably point out differences, the pressure to belong, be accepted, and do what most people do: give into what society dictates. 

I promised myself to never try to guide my kids away from what they feel.  I will never steer them away from the truth of what their basic feelings tell them.  If they decide to limit themselves to one thing, I hope I will know better than to tell them to open themselves to new experiences, to know everything that's out there, to move away to college, to see the world.  Maybe (just maybe) not everyone needs that.  Maybe (just maybe) happiness is handed to us early on and we don't see it, always believing we must aspire to bigger and greater, to consider the package rather that only what's on the inside.

I know my son and his girlfriend will go through changes.  As they grow, he might not be one of the jocks or studs, and she might gain weight.  They might struggle with acne, or developing late.  Who knows?

But how will I teach them to always keep their focus on the inside?  How do I  prevent them from getting away from who they are, from going in that humongous circle that will only take them back to the beginning, back to what's basic, back to who they are and where they belong.  Unfortunately, the path that circle takes is so long and ruins so many quality years of our lives...

Shit, I just want them to be happy. 

So to Stefan and Charlotte (raising my glass):  "True Love Forever"

For now.

OH LORD does this hurt

Yesterday I took our 9 year old to her first sleep-away camp.  It's for a very long week and it's killing me.  Fortunately I still have her brother with me, but the poor thing has had to put up with a lot of extra lovin' from her ever-so-needy mama.  UGH.  I am trying, but it's so hard to pretend to be strong without them.  My son read it right away and told me I was sad because her sister wasn't around.  Thank God for apples that don't fall far from the trees, as this sweet little boy doesn't quite want to go anywhere for more than a couple of days, and if he could take me or his dad with him, even better.

Some funny bits:  As we were driving up to the camp (which was waaaay further than I had previously thought) my daughter said some very funny things.  One of them being that she was actually happy to "have freedom from electronics" for a week.  As if!  She's so goofy.  The other one escapes me now, but she just sounded so grown up and funny.  And it's in her delivery, you just had to be there.

Well, that's it.  Misery and Gloom. 

Oh, wait, my son just scored over 300,000 points on some new game on the DS.

Gotta go.

Writing again

I have now taken what is officially the LONGEST break from this journal I have even taken from anything.  Actually I'm just being dramatic, I stayed away from church a lot longer...

Man, there is so incredibly much to write about, I don't think I'll do it.  Maybe I'll just start small and go from there.  Like my daughter right now, for example, singing to High School Torture Musical on the Wii.  I assume this will continue until her grade gets higher than a "C", which she keeps failing at because she's too late with the lyrics.  In trying to be gentle, I told her a few times "I hear an echo", but she just ignores me and continues to torture us.  The dogs, now not as happy to be indoors as they thought they would be, have ceased all play and I kid you not are trying to cover their heads with their paws as they feign sleep.    

Speaking of dogs...  Malachi had to be put to sleep last August 1st.  A month shy of his birthday, but no fear, I've managed to replenish the brood and we're up to 4 dogs again.  Carmela, Benny, BamBam and Malachi Again (a teacup poodle, a long haired Dachshund mix, an Italian Greyhound and a German Shepherd).  Oh and Cleo the bunny, whose moods are so unstable and frightening (she kicks like Bruce Lee and bites like Mike Tyson) she must PMS weekly.  But when she does fall asleep in your arms she's the sweetest puffball you'll ever see.

Oh, goodness me... soooo much to say!  Gotta take a break though.  

Back later.

One more thing...

I will be posting updates on everything that's happened since the last time I wrote (when Karen died), but that will probably be tomorrow, or the next day.

Cheers,
G

Adam and Eve and the Apple

Adam and Eve sooooo wanted that Apple...

Hence, I called and ordered a brand new Macbook.  We used to be Apple people, but because back then there was hardly any software made for Macs and all and any attachments that came or went through email were impossible to open to/from a PC, we made the big move to Windows.

But now we're here, in the land of Apples.  And since this place has this strangely strong pull which eventually turns everyone onto healthier food, accustomed to paid parking and sunny days as a birth-given right, we have been lured by the California snake to take The Apple.

And just like Adam and Eve, I, being the woman, will be the first to get one.  Hub said that if I like it and basically (being the geek that I am) can make it better than the PC, he'll switch as well.  And if it doesn't work it will be on me, and I'll be blamed for all that's gone wrong in this wireless, electronic Paradise. 

But if it works, eventually our little Cain and Abel will get Macs too. 

And then who knows?  I'll keep you posted.  It should arrive sometime in the next 3-4 days. 

Love Thy Neighbor

There is one thing I figured out this past year that has really been enlightening.

I've always had difficulty with the whole "Love Thy Neighbor" thing.  I think God took my sense of smell away because I had not been able to really love thy neighbor as long as said neighbor had stinky breath, or bad BO...  It used to really piss me off when people used my phone when they had bad breath because the phone would stink afterwards...  so I would clean it thoroughly until all traces of the offensive aroma were gone. 

I also had difficulty "loving thy neighbor" if said neighbor was either: dorky, boring, loud, obnoxious, gawdy, boisterous, braggy, spitty, snobbish, quiet, too pale, trashy, had bad teeth, bad skin or many other things I had no patience for.  Regardless, I wondered why God would have said to "love thy neighbor" when clearly, and no matter how much I tried, there was no love in my heart for these creatures. 

During a particularly care-free period of my life, however, I did manage to love those neighbors whom I felt "love" for.  Or fell in love with.  On an almost-weekly basis, to be exact.  I wondered if I would ever be able to stop loving so much and just find the one true love of my life, and live without the worry of meeting another lovable neighbor that needed my loving attention.

But then I found:  LOVE DOES NOT START FROM THE INSIDE (our heart, which drives us to do nice things for others), IT STARTS FROM THE OUTSIDE.

I have found that whether I like someone or not, when I do something loving for that person (not as I did during my care-free period, but in the true sense of the word) then the love comes.  It's like a phenomenon, but it really works.  Doing a loving act of kindness for another, but doing it for God's love, solely because He commanded it can be an amazing thing to experience.

Thinking back to Karen, and how I used to try to help her before she died.  She used to thank me and tell me "you don't have to do that for me", so I would tell her it wasn't for her, I was doing it for God.  The love between her and I grew in leaps and bounds in a very short period of time.  Saying "I love you" to one another became a daily necessity, and although I miss her now that she's gone, I am the better for having had that experience of loving someone for God.

Asa side note, I also did find my one true love.  And it is nothing like I ever experienced.  But it is rooted so deep inside of me, I am convinced God planted it. 

Back on,
G

All me

My goo-ness... it's been so incredibly long since I've written...

Part of the reason is that I am not sure how my thoughts will come across on this journal anymore.  I know that in wanting to grow spiritually, I find myself conflicted in things of the past, things I've thought or done... 

But I suppose it's all part of it.  We make mistakes, we lie to ourselves, we worry too much about others' opinions of ourselves.  I've always been concerned with coming across too intense, but I now need to make the daily effort to just be me. 

For a while I kept separate journals, but I'm not sure I have the patience for that, besides, I have to reconcile who I am at various times, be it a mom, a wife, a sinner, or a friend.  All of it is me, whether PMSing or reflectively coming home from Mass feeling peaceful... all me.

Ok, so that being said, I am about to start.  Again.