Confessions from the pit stand...

There was a time when he drove cars that to me seemed way more dangerous than the ones he drives now...  and there was a time when the fatal accidents seemed more frequent.

I've been asked as often as my husband has been asked what it's like to drive in the 500, what I feel when he races.  What I feel??  Let's see... a medley of feelings that would deserve a whole new name as a single feeling which I cannot explain...  I usually try to hold up until he gives me that last kiss "goodbye/I love you" before he puts on his helmet.  Then I know he does not see me anymore, so I let it go, but I don't get to exhale. 

During the scarier times I used to have difficulty breathing, which normally led to me crying on my way back to the pit area.  I was painfully aware that others thought I was just too much, but it was too important to me and I became the only one living in my own little world.  The world where until I met him, I was alone with my dog.  It was my dog and I with no one to really call my own or be anyone's claim.  My mom had her husband, all my siblings with their own families and I just floated around from one guy's arms into another, seemingly always looking away from the arms that held me.

So once this very precious soul got inside a machine that would go faster than my eyes could follow it, I was ridden with anxiety.  I'm not a drama queen, or maybe I am,  but I had just been a witness to too many accidents and the horrible feeling that comes with that territory.  I never assumed the worst, but any kind of injury is always a problem.  Even for those who didn't have fatal accidents, many times what was left in the aftermath was a faint reminder of the driver that used to be...  and of course, as my glass-half-empty outlook dominated, I always figured something really bad would happen and the love of my life would be sucked into this, our family curse I once believed in.

Outside of worrying about your own man, there is also the worry about the others, your friends' husbands or boyfriends...  It was a crapshoot, a roulette wheel spin every race weekend that would decide who would be the chosen one to lose, crash, get hurt, get seriously hurt, lose a ride, or lose a lot more.

I never understood the whole racing concept.  I don't think I ever will, because everytime I heard the awful news of a fatal accident, all I could do was cry with utmost anger while wondering WHY ON EARTH these men choose racing as a career.  However my thoughts, I've already told my husband many times that I will always support and encourage him in what he likes to do and what makes him happy. 

I'm just glad he's already 48 years old... and he can't race forever...!  :-)

Go, Speed Racer, GO!!!

Our son found his Speed Racer movie again, so he immediately popped it into the player and all of us benefitted from his taste in entertainment.

Today I celebrated (haha) the 1 week mark of our phones not working.  I called SBC and complained because they were supposed to be here yesterday, their website said the problem was fixed on the 1st and one of their phone guys noted on our records he was here yesterday morning (he wasn't) and couldn't fix anything because our garden equipment was in the way...  funny, but we don't have ANY garden equipment.  Since we don't have as much land as in Indy, we have someone else care for the yard now... hence no equipment...

I was fine while on the phone w/SBC until I was told no one could come again to fix things until tomorrow...  I then realized that husband was racing tomorrow and God forbid anything happens I won't be able to call out or get calls coming in.  I mean, I can on my cell, but 90% of the calls and the conversations get cut off (except, of course, that one conversation I had with my friend Patti about God and by pure miracle we had a perfect conversation for about 45 minutes...)  Desperate measures kicking in prompted me to:  forward my cell phone to the fax line, disable the automatic fax answer and plug in a regular phone to the fax, so I can receive calls that way, to my cell...  I feel much better now..!

SO, when we talked yesterday, my very own Speed Racer couldn't wait to tell me that he'd been the quickest during practice.  Unfortunately, things changed from then to qualifying because his teammate (who was qualifying the car) ran off so they are starting 35th...  As usual in racing one can go from hero to zero faster than one can drive, and so it goes...  I wish he drove the Mach 5, but I can do without the monkey.  And Trixie.  I would never want to be called Trixie...

 

 

LET ME IN!!!!!!!!!!!

I haven't been able to access my pages for days now...  I don't know what happened, but somehow my computer decided to lock me out...  Of course I spent the last 3 days kissing computer ass and now I think it's happy. 

Since the last time I wrote, we went skiing, got back, I spent a while on the phone talking to my friend Kristen, who ALTHOUGH SHE WILL BE REALLY CLOSE TO HERE refuses to come see me.  Some friend.  She suggested I drive to Vegas to see her instead...  which wouldn't be a bad idea, since my husband and I really need to make new "memories" of Vegas to erase the old, horrible ones (refer back to very old posts/entries)... 

Going back to my complaint, Kristen has already once gone to Vegas without stopping by to see me in L.A. and I think she should come here this time...  So, those who think I'm right and she should come here raise your hand.  Keep it there until I come around so I can count.

(As I'm sure it's obvious, I'm back to a more chirpy self.  The problem with my step-dad has been somewhat solved and life will continue in a way I find most kind, loving and logical -- I've spoken to him and my mom will stay to care for him.  And hopefully I'll be able to see him again.  That's the plan.  So for those who are completely confused, disregard the whole step-dad saga, I've forgiven and moved on.  Life is just too painful and short.)

Off to count hands, G

FEBRUARY 14th

Valentines Day...  my step-dad's birthday...  my brother's birthday...  Tony, Shirley,  (still thinking of you on this date and always) Russ and Larry:  the four of you are probably still together...!!  On this date when the plane went down, Valentine's Day is not quite the same still... 

But thanks to my friend George ("Here I come to save the day!!") I got a good giggle...

and "tomorrow will be another day."

Sunshine

(PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP THIS ENTRY, IT IS STILL NOT A GOOD ONE)

Anyway...

I'm still questioning why this had to happen.  I find it hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel, but the sun is shining outside my window and it's telling me that out there there is good...

At some point I'll have to grieve a death that hasn't happened yet  Dr. told me I shouldn't even talk to him on the phone, that the step-dad I always knew is dead already and that I should move on with that thought in mind.  I should probably find some kind of support group, something to let me know that there are others out there dealing with this that would understand what it feels like.  Or even better, someone who has experienced this who could show me the way...

I am feeling feelings I never felt before.  I don't even know how to explain them, what they are or where they come from.  I am even uncomfortable being in the house by myself when the workers are here, which I never ever felt before.  I haven't had any crying fits yet today,

which is a good thing.

NOW

crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts.  crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.  ugly thoughts. crying fits.  tiredness.  numbness.  autopilot.

That is how my days are now.  I'm living minute by minute doing only what feels good.  And what the kids need, barely. 

I never knew that dementia could be like this.  After having been attacked by my step-father I now know how horrible a diagnosis it can be.  Dementia and Alzheimer's have always been horrible words but never did I know it could be like this.  I'm in shock, I know it and I'm trying to process the information reaching my brain. 

The best part came two nights ago, when I spoke to my doctor and he explained that my dad (step) most likely had no idea what he was doing.  That the man he once was wasn't there.  That really helped sort the ugly thoughts from the good ones, slowly discarding any of the ones that make you shudder...

The worst part is what the future will bring.  For him, for my mom, for our family that never was.  I feel so sorry to have brought glimpses of sadness to my friends' days, I would much prefer to make them laugh. 

I've tried to keep this journal real and as funny or as ridiculously human as possible.  However, there are times when it's just not possible to do.  Reality bites you and won't let go...

Dementia

This is the most serious post I've ever written...  I just returned from Florida and my step-dad is suffering from dementia.  To make a long story short, I will not be going back there again, I will never see him again and my mother is leaving him.

All this stems from his habit of drinking alcohol...  just a drink or two before bed...  didn't seem like much, right??  Well OUR LIVES ARE NOW COMPLETELY UPSIDE DOWN BECAUSE OF IT. 

I just lost a dad (again).  How can it happen this way?  Just days ago all was perfectly well.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS, AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. 

G.