Anyhoo, this week I found a TON of people I had been looking for for years. I kept a "lost" list of people on my phonebook, just so maybe someday I could find them. Maybe I subconsciously knew that God would inspire someone to invent a venue such as Facebook, but whatever it was it felt as if I had gone on a trip on a time machine and reconnected. Except now everyone looks older.
It has been over 2 years since Stefan and I separated. It still seems strange to type his name and the rest of that sentence, as I never thought that would happen... but things happen and the world keeps turning, the sun comes up and goes down and the moon makes its appearances... everything continues on.
The more distance grows between what it was and what it is, makes me think of what my marriage had become, and it just didn't seem to be what was the ideal marriage, and I mean for me in particular, not just anybody else.
I'm sure many women could have seen it through. Unfortunately, I'm not made that way. I describe it as "starving and having a beautiful cake in front of you, but not being able to eat it". I used to have romantic dreams about George Clooney (as some people know well) when I was married, probably because I was in desperate need of some sort of attention. The funny thing is that now that I'm completely alone I no longer have those dreams, and I'm sure one would think they would be more prevalent now... not so. It is so very difficult to long for the person you love, the one you are with, that for some reason or another you just don't get enough of. His time and attention became so desirable, that even now when he talks to me and we have an actual conversation, I almost become nervous, sort of anxious... and I think I trained myself that way. In my head I keep wondering what I should say so as not to lose the connection, or if I'm saying something he would consider boring, unimportant...
This is not a dynamic I want to exist between us, but it's also not one I know how to undo. It's definitely not something I want my children to get used to, but they are also in that situation as their time spent with their dad is a bit of a commodity.
Ugh. I hate my writings anymore. I wish I had better stuff (funnier, lighter) to write about, but I'm saving all the light, funny stuff for when I'm with my kids, and what goes on here is just me venting.
My own little corner of the world.