So...

I need to write.  I want to write... but somehow I just can't .

This whole tsunami thing has just been too much on my mind.  When I first heard of the earthquake and the total casualties, I compared the 20-odd thousand number of deaths to those lost on 9/11 and already it seemed overwhelming.  Now they are saying it could end up in the 100,000's... 

Here is something for those of you interested in the "unexplained":  I had this dream (about 2-3 times) that I was somewhere near a beach but inside a building, and all of a sudden waves started to get bigger and bigger engulfing everything in sight.  I remember being terrified, but somehow I knew I wouldn't be hurt.  Almost like I was there, but just as a spectator. 

It got so that I had to research more about tsunamis, to see exactly how devastating they could be.  So I went online and didn't really find anything.  At that point I assumed that they must not be very dangerous, as there wasn't much written about them.  Nothing in the past and no information on the possibility of one reaching a populated area.

I wonder if this is the end of that dream.  I have a feeling it probably is...

Regardless, there was a man at the post office yesterday from Sri Lanka.  I told him about my dream and he gave me his card (in all seriousness) so I could call him if I ever have another catastrophic dream again.  He said he hadn't lost anyone in that tragedy, but he did reiterate that he was very serious about me calling if I did have another dream.

Anyway, this is today and I still have his card and I'm debating whether I should keep it or not.  I'm also debating whether I should have another piece of bread with Nutella. 

Goodnight.

PS:  I guess I could write in the end!

Hello world -- again

Ok, so I must as well fess up.  I've not written because in a very sudden way, my world turned upside down and stayed that way, blocking the sun and any and all light from coming into view.

In case it's not obvious, I am not a person to keep a lot hidden from the world unless it will do damage to someone outside of just me.  So for the sake of those who keep up with me through my journal, I hit a bump on the road and quickly sunk into a deep depression.  A really deep depression.

Here is what happened:  my stepdaughter will not be returning here to live and that threw me into a massive tail spin.  Without going into details, I had always envisioned myself being the strong one, and being there for my husband if this were to happen and well, it was very much the other way around.  I went weak.  Kids just kill me.

Is there a funny side to this?  Of course!  I really thought I was losing my mind.  Horrible thoughts invaded my brain and I could barely keep awake most of the day.  Barely walking made me out of breath and I was just a zombie, so I really thought I'd finally reached the point of no return.  I called my Dr. to tell him that all the meds were not working, called him in a panic, went to his office, we concocted a new drug-plan, my husband took me to an oriental doctor for acupuncture, started drinking antelope horn crap drink.  Bells, whistles and alarms were going off everywhere.  My husband trying so hard to convince me that "this too shall pass".  And then it came:  the wonderful realization that I had taken my meds backwards.

You see, it's a strange phenomenon, but one that keeps surfacing at the most inopportune times.  When I'm under a lot of stress I do everything backwards, I get lost going places I frequently visit, I develop psycho-sematic ADD and my hair turns blonde (ha ha).

Telling my husband was easy.  But I have yet to hear from my poor doctor since I left him a message that there was actually nothing wrong with the meds but with my brain instead...  I'm not sure he'll ever call me again, actually.  Let's go back in time a bit:  my first and second visits to this particular therapist were nerve-wrecked.  Hence the stress-phenomenon kicked in and I got confused and was late by, oh...  let's just say it was (barely) under one hour.  Now the meds fiasco.  And I've only seen him a total of 4 times... 

Darn, just when I found a doctor I liked...

The Diaries

Last night the husband and I went to a movie (can you believe it?), because the painters were spray-painting the ceiling in the entire house at once.

So we went to see "The Motorcycle Diaries" and recommend it to anyone who's not seen it yet.  It's about Che Guevara when he was young, and what a compassionate, caring soul he was...

Now before anyone jumps up and screams "but he was a Communist!" *please* understand that this movie was about his youth and how it all started.  The scenery is unbelievable, they show a big chunk of Argentina, which made me want to book the next flight out even though I have a flying-phobia (does anyone know the scientific name for that?).  Here is what's (to me) most important to help others understand why I still miss my birthplace:  the friendship between the two boys in the movie and, most of all, the sense of humor seen in the way they talk and in their charm -- the things I grew up with in most people.  Especially the men.

Outside of the fact that Che was major eye-candy, he was so caring, at one point it moved me to tears... but I will refrain from going into or discussing anything else, as I don't know that much about him as a grown up, only that he started from a good place.  Oh, and that my mom always loved him because aside from his idealism and good heart, he worked with lepers and treated them like anyone else.

I will continue this later on.  Gotta go on a chauffer run.

It never rains in California

Yes it does.  But who can beat this in mid-December?  (Clara and her daddy are the people in the pic).

 

Did I really need to feel this much love??

Inspiration just hit, or rather as luck would have it I ran into something that gave me the perfect jump-start to something I've been overwhelmed with lately:  My kids.

**NOTE:  Do not read this if you are having difficulty dealing with the issue of having/ losing/not-being-able-to-have kids**

 

 

 

 

 

I read a quote in People magazine (http://people.aol.com/people/ataol/galleries/0,19884,927114_10,00.html) from Brooke Shields speaking about her daughter:  "I look at her and I'm not sure I bargained to love that much. Did I really need to feel this much love?"

Yep.  When my first one was born I experienced the usual crying fit that is supposed to be a direct product of hormones gone wild.  The unusual thing about this very common incident is the kind of song I chose to be the accompanying music to my drama:  Dean Martin's "Ain't That A Kick In The Head".  Really.

I swear I played that song over and over on my headphones and as I held my very first baby I cried inconsolably.  So much so that I had to call my mom to come to the rescue...  I must have sounded so distraught that my mom somehow made it to the hospital in about 10 minutes flat from about 20 to 30 minutes away. 

The thoughts that were the root of all desperation for me were "What did I do this for??  I will now worry about this little peanut in my arms for the rest of my life!!!" but they ran much deeper than they sound.  And very much the way people see their entire life flashing before their eyes when they stare death in the face, my whole future did the same.  I felt it:  Every second of my existence would be filled with constant worry, concern, thought, love and so much more for someone who couldn't even speak yet.  Never mind speak, she couldn't even focus on me!

Then her infant-life began.  Our relationship was mostly based on her need of me and although I loved her tremendously I was aware of that.  She didn't, couldn't quite "love" me yet:  I was just her life's sustenance.

The toddler years are fairly difficult.  She still needed me but she now had an opinion on almost everything and we were both fighting to establish our boundaries... and she became "The Entertainer".

Now, at age 6, I feel her and her brother truly love me.  I can say this because at just the right times they will say things like "You are my mommy" or "because I love you so much" or "I love you more than the whole world!"

At times I just can't take the feelings, it's all too much of everything wonderful and I feel like exploding...  but who can be the recipient, where do I aim my artillery??  Who wants to hear about all this stuff????  WHERE DO I GO WITH ALL THIS LOVE??????  I'm trying not to ruin my children by being so needy.  I don't want to put that sort of responsibility on their shoulders...  And so it goes:  I sit here, in my office, hoping that writing about it will help me offload.  Hoping that some of you that bother to read this will understand the pain that lives in the heart of parents... the ones who want to strive at being the best ones, yet fail miserably on a daily basis.

And as I thank God for my children I ask him to forgive the times I did not understand His love for us...

 

 

Hair

I'm thinking about cutting my hair like Catherine Zeta-Jones has it here.  I've been sick for over 2 weeks and as soon as I can go out I want to "get pretty".

Comments?