Bless you!!

Today I was thinking about the dynamics of people, society and spirituality... and this came up: If we are to unite as people, get close to each other, share, live in community, etc. etc., how are we to achieve this and remain spiritual when the things that connect us are mostly superficial?

To bond with friends I go shopping, we get our nails done and gossip. We bash men, complain and mostly do things that would keep us away from our spiritual beliefs and go against most religious teachings.

To ensure a fight with most people, one needs to just talk about God, or their religion and their differences are most likely going to keep those people apart. Or, at the very least like they do not have that much in common, after all.

So what is it about something that is mostly about ultimate love cause us to get so defensive?  I am not trying to bash religion, only the way we are...  How can we get it so wrong??

Don't know why

I'm so sad right now.  I just got back from my old TaeKwonDo school feeling a deep sadness, so I thought I'd write to see if anything interesting comes out...

Let's see:  I went by there today because they were having a test, but this test included the Black Belts (they only test twice a year).  It was really nice seeing friends I hadn't seen in a fairly long time.  It was even nicer that they were happy to see me, so much so that two of the testees thanked me during their thesis, and that was incredible - the best part is that they were 9 and 10 years old... the best!!!  There really is nothing sweeter than being loved by children.  They have a way of loving through somewhat idolizing those they love.  I know I can't be both, but I would love for my children to love me as their mother and as their little "idol", but they've seen too much of me for that to ever happen...  Regardless, I'd rather have their mommy love.

Anyway, I finally told some people why I left the school, and gave them the short version of what had happened to my marriage in the past year and I think that it stirred up a lot of memories for me...

I don't really think that's why I'm sad.  Maybe I'm just tired.  I miss my husband and this is when it's hard.  When he goes out of town and I realize that when he was here we weren't really together.  So then he calls me and we have really good talks and we feel close, but then he comes home and I lose him again.

Can someone explain this?

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

Who's the fairiest of them all? 

Who gives a shit? 

Me. 

I've always given a shit, because it seemed that even though the wicked stepmom was vain and wanted to be the most beautiful, sleeping Beauty truly was and because of that she would get a handsome prince to fall in love with her and show the uglier one that the most beauty wins.  I distinctly remember linking beauty with kindness, fairness and all that was good, and ugly with meanness, hatred and all that was bad.  I'm not blaming the fairytales, but they most certainly didn't help matters of self-confidence much. 

In school I recall the "pretty/ugly" lines, when other girls would watch us walk by single-file and point and call out who was pretty and who was ugly.  Sometimes you were nothing.  I was that many times.  I was that not because of anything but the fact that "pretty" were the friends and "ugly" were the enemies.  I know those girls knew the Sleeping Beauty story.

What I'm writing is very predictable.  The 3 main ones (Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Snow White) were always beautiful.  What about the Ugly Duckling?  Happy ending *after* he became a swan. 

Fortunately, I saw the old black and white "Huntchback of Notre Dame" and it made me cry.  I was very young, but it made me see that it was the "beautiful people" that could act the ugliest and all of a sudden everything balanced out.  The world sucked and that was that.

I do wonder what the world would be like without mirrors.  How would we be if we didn't really know what we looked like?  How would it be if we had to depend on others for our grooming?  The only thing I would truly miss would be to not be able to pop a zit, or get an eyelash out of my eye, as I don't like for anyone else to do those simple pleasures for me.

There are days I wake up feeling beautiful. I go around *convinced* I'm the fairiest of them all and I'm nice and kind and polite and by the time I get a chance to look in the mirror I realize I didn't look as good as I thought, indeed I look like one of the step-sisters.  Those are the worst days, the days when the mirror cracks.  If I hadn't looked I would have carried on with my day thinking I was Snow White and I would have dreamt of that handsome prince.  But the mirror reminds me that I'm not exempt.  That I might not be "good enough" in many occasions, that even if I think I'm a good person, in reality I'm not, and that my husband could indeed leave me for another woman at any time.  This helps me appreciate him more, as well as everyone around me that loves me no matter what.

All in all, I still secretly wish there were no mirrors, not so much because of anyone else, but more because of me and because I know in my heart that beauty counts, albeit only in this world, but this is where I have to live.

Someday I hope to really not give a shit.

Marital Bliss (or the lack thereof)

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME why I love my husband so much.  At this point it is probably the fact that we have so much history together and I'm a sucker for melancholic memories. 

Things have changed and at the same time they haven't, and I have not enough patience to wait for them to.  The truth is, I don't know what would happen if I did run into a George Clooney (a man I would find incredibly attractive) and he wanted to steal me away.  All I do know is that in almost 10 years of marriage and 2 1/2 of dating I never found any man to be enough for me to give up the man I already have.  I know I would die for this man as well, and that life would not be the same without him.  I always felt that no woman besides me would love him enough and I've always wanted to fiercely protect him from anyone who would cause him harm (I get that way when I love much).  It's the day-to-day that's killing me.  And it's the same little bullshit things that I take as signs that he doesn't care. 

Ok, now I'm boring myself, so onto something else.

In talking with my lesbian friend Amy about her relationship with her girlfriend, she was saying how they talked about the time they were broken up and how Charla (the girlfriend) didn't want to and wouldn't have anyone else INSIDE her...  say what??  Amy has a penis???  (I am now as dense as my mom.)  Amy looked at me like she hadn't realized I was stupid until just now and was surprised by it.  I didn't ask if she had a penis of course, but I did say "what do you mean?" which is just as bad -- or maybe worse?  Amy patiently said it was their hands that they used.  "Aaaa-...ha!"  I said, all the while thinking "well, that clarifies that!!  I always thought they did other stuff and didn't like to be "entered".  What do I know, I never planned to be a lesbian anyway.

I must say, though, that in seeing my friends when they are together, they seem way happier than any of the regular hetero "breeder" couples I've seen, ourselves included.  The "girls" still spend every minute together mostly giggling and enjoying each other's company,  after being together for the last 7 years as a couple in some of the worst possible living situations...

That's what I want, I want my husband to want to spend time with me and make an effort to.  I want him to giggle with me as if we had some really great inside jokes.  I want him to run home because he can't wait to be with me. 

And while I'm at it, I want world peace and a billion dollars.

Reality School

Screw reality TV.  Kids seem to love it, so why not "Reality School" instead?

I was sharing with my husband the story of the breeding rituals in the world we've created (see Blah, Blah, Blah) and how the experience made Kelly never want to breed dogs for a living or a hobby or anything else.  So far we've succeeded in her not wanting to have babies (she witnessed the birth of her brother as she wanted and YES we did get her prepared for it), we succeeded in de-romanticizing the notion of breeding of cute, little, slimy puppies, so the next step, I told him, would be to take her to some hospital were they run detox programs for drug addicts.  Live and learn, I say.  He mentioned that his uncle worked in a detox place and he wished they would bring High School kids by for a field trip to get them to never do drugs, as he believed this would work wonders.

After seeing what reality school has done for Kelly, I wholeheartedly agree.  I wonder why schools don't do this, and if anyone out there reads this and has an answer, please let me know what it is.

This idea is really taking off in my head.  I think I'll go on the web and find places where Kelly and I can do real charity work.  I mean get down and dirty into it.

That should help us all, me included..

Blah, Blah, Blah

I have nothing to say.  Which is strange because I haven't written in so long.  It seems a lot has happened and at the same time nothing that I think is that interesting, but how strange since I've always found even the most insignificant of things interesting.

Ah!  Here is something.  I can just sit and watch ants working for long periods at a time.  I don't know why, but I love them, *and* ants are considered the most insignificant of God's creatures.

Something a bit more interesting:  We're driving back from having Carmela serviced.  Yep, our teacup poodle was in heat, so we thought this was a good chance to have something that Kelly could get involved in.

Kelly?  Right.  That is my step-daughter who's 14 and is living with us since about a week ago.  She's with us because this was a way for her to avoid being held back yet again (2nd time) in school and having to share classes with kids that are 12 years old.  I agree, at that age it would be sheer torture, watching all your friends moving on and you get to hang out with the youngsters. 

We will be giving homeschooling a try.  I hope (don't know if I can) to bring her back up to something closer to her age level.  She's already taken her placement test and as soon as I finish the questionnaire I'll mail it out to the Calvert School (they have a homeschooling curriculum that's wonderful).  They will then look it over and determine what level she's at by U.S. standards as opposed to Belgium standards (where she has lived since she was 3, with her bio mom).

Back to Carmela.  My hope is that Kelly will learn to care about something else besides boys and fashion.  Wish me luck.

Anyway, I thought I might someday enjoy being a dog breeder.  I love dogs and I seem to love chaos so why not, right?  I finally understand why the gal who bred Carmela gets $250 a pop.  She literally helped the little stud (2.5 lbs. versus Carmie's 4) not only get up to reach my dog, but INSERT his doghood into our virginal princess.  Wow.  Ugh.  Ick.  She asked me to hold her head while he banged away and when he was ejaculating (all 15 MINUTES of it!) she held their little privates together.  Yessss sireee, she did this until little stud decided he was done.  And let me tell you, from looking at him when he *wasn't* excited, he must sexcercise a lot.  His package was humongous.  My husband decided that Carmela had actually been hoping for something more along the lines of a big Shepherd and that's why she kept trying to pull away.  But you get what you can when you can when you're hoping for a baby (yes I just had flashbacks of the times I desperately tried to get pregnant).

Revelation time?  I think I want Carm to have puppies because I'm ready for another baby.

Just a thought...

What would the world be like if mirrors didn't exist?